I, Gina Sicarelli, 29-and-a-half-year-old Mid-Level Code Engineer and Architect on Green Pod 2, have been assigned with the unwieldy task of informing you all: 1) how long I have worked here, 2) what my various and disparate positions have been called, 3) what my responsibilities have been and how I have exceeded them in unexpected and unconventional ways, 4) how I will incorporate these exceedments [TODO: find actual word for this] into my new position. I will arrive at all of this later, provided with the appropriate time and space, hopefully through an in-person meeting with the CFO herself, given all the time I have invested in low-grade flirtations with her (neither of us are gay, just discerning).
To begin, I’d like to point out that my work here at Confluence Apps, Inc. has oscillated between very excellent and very very excellent, mostly even superb. I do understand Cheep Gurl ™ is suing us for breach of contract because we never delivered them the Animated Style Quiz or Mobile Home Page Overhaul we promised, and I know Green Guild 2, of which I am the Mid (soon to be Senior!!!!)-Level Code Engineer and Architect, was, in name, principally responsible for this – as the Times called it – “debacle”. There was also the whole personal & financial Data Breach Incident, but, really, what does the security of a Cheep Gurl ™ account even matter? I’m sure you remember that I had other things on my plate at the time, like adopting various cats as well as returning them to the Humane Society once it turned out they sucked. The important thing is that the native Cheep Gurl ™ app mostly works, unless you actually want to buy something on it. I know the Malman ™ ’s Credit Card App users report not being able to log in or out and that sometimes the app will drain their phone’s battery in a matter of minutes, but that was Greg’s fault. You can tell by all the times I ripped him apart in our Technical Team Tuesdays. Imagine what disastrous results you might have witnessed if you had not had someone as [TODO: decide upon appropriately flattering adjective], artistically-geniused, & resiliant as myself heading up Green Guild 2!
[TODO: sketch out pathetic picture of growing up in shadow of Michigan smokestacks with an irritating father, hyperbolic mother, and a sister who was too wide in the hips and bust for me to even wear her clothes except as sort of an ironic & oversized nod to the hip-hop styles of the mid-1980s]. By high school I was mediumly appreciated by all the correct people [TODO: remember who these people were] as a burgeoning artistic genius in mediums as varied and culturally resonant as drawing, painting, synthesizer construction (the fact that none of them ever happened to function was secondary to their theoretical perfection), and iambic poetry. College was boring. I did great! Jon Whistleman (passing coed love interest) missed out on a good deal. [TODO: spin the failing out of graduate school period. Specious assertion of mental illness?]
As for the people who whinishly claim that I denigrate them during, before, and after Code Review Sessions, I welcome these people, because their lamentations, their gripes, their moans, their wails, their wimpers, their grouses and grumbles, all serve to underscore my sunshiney and positive attitude, especially as it relates to myself. Tom, the worst of the whingers, I strongly believe he desires sexual intercourse with me (as, truth be told, I do with him; you may let him know through the Anonymized Peer Review System if you deem it prudent), and Suzy, the second-worst, I think she is jealous of my flawless hair cut and color. Notice the moppish aspects of her own.
[TODO: sober topic sentence about goals and where I see myself in the coming year] As for the people who denigrate me or provide any kind of negative feedback on my own code, I expect to see them let go in the round of layoffs that will inevitably result from the Cheep Gurl ™ lawsuit.
[TODO: optimistic topic sentence that brings everything back, in a subtle, nuanced, and perhaps even heartbreaking fashion, to the topic of my long-overdue promotion] In my new role as Senior-Mid-Level Code-Engineer-and-Architect of Green Guild 2, I envision myself: 1) telling more people what to do without explaining why, 2) increasing the effectivity, efficiency, and idiosyncrasy of the passive aggression in my emails to the Partner Corporations’ Support Engineers, 3) more seamlessly incorporating misleading business jargon into a plethora of company goals, 4) writing buggier, and more needlessly complex code so as to increase the amount of support time we can sell to our clients, 5) losing weight, and 6) strategically hiring weaker-willed people in order to facilitate the introduction of unpaid, mandatory overtime.
I would also like to be paid much, much more.
[TODO: expand each section, remembering to `lean in` and sell myself more. Modesty is only effective to a point. ]
Sarah Denaci is a humorist and translator. Her work has appeared in The Review of Contemporary Fiction, La Cigarra Revista Literaria, The College Hill Independent, and elsewhere. She holds an MA in Creative Writing from the Universidad Nacional de Tres de Febrero and lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.