My Woke White Woman Friend Says  

I hate men. Men are all pigs. Men are trash. I’m swearing off them, for good.  
Very good, I say, taking a sip of my ice water. And trans men?  
Oh, they’re not—her pink mouth crumples like tissue paper, so delicate. Real men hangs   
unspoken (or I’m too cynical—how do I know what hangs unspoken?) I watch her wrestle   
between insult or invalidation—MEN, to be sure, but TRANS!—and to be fair, I have thrust   
this poor woman into quite the conundrum, across the table I can see the smooth expanse   
between her eyebrows furiously fighting to wrinkle. It almost wins.  
They don’t count, she says primly, daintily picking her way through a field   
of muddy landmines to emerge spotless, giving me a strip-white conciliatory smile   
above a paper straw which is crumbling in real-time into her matcha-chai latte, bestowing   
upon T-boys the honor of being Not Like Other Men, which is, of course, surely   
how they want to be viewed by women. And Black men, too?  I almost ask, knowing full well Black   
men don’t figure into her realm of consciousness—MEN, to be sure, but BLACK!—but decide myself   
too cruel, not wanting to ruin this afternoon rendezvous by forcing her to consider   
the intersectionality of race and gender. And anyway, I get the greater point she’s making, realize   
‘man’ is shorthand for ‘the system of patriarchy,’ and deliberately ignoring this proxy is   
bad faith on my part, so what am I trying to probe? She, meanwhile, is telling me about the Hinge incident   
last week which precipitated this manifesto: I asked him where he was taking me   
for our first date and he said he was new to the area and would go with my suggestion. Her voice   
drops in disgust, she leans in for confession, her pretty nose   
tries and fails to wrinkle. I had to plan the date. I coo the appropriate exclamations   
of shock and sympathy, then nod understandingly. You want to be told by a man   
where to go and what to do, of course. You should be able to turn off your brain when with the right  
man. Your only job is to show up and look stunning by his side. Period, she says, but a shade   
of uncertainty has crept into her tone. Suddenly I am no longer sure what I am getting at, why I am being so   
difficult. I lean back and grab my glass, go skyward. “Fuck men,” I say.  
She raises hers even higher, relieved. “Fuck men.” Amen. 

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BREAKING NEWS: NATIONAL TRANSGENDER ZOMBIE INVASION!

“REPORTING TO YOU LIVE FOR FOX NEWS FROM KANSAS-FLORIDA-TENNESSEE-TEXAS—I’M EVERYWHERE—WHERE HORDES OF TRANNIES SEEM TO BE OVERRUNNING THE CITY! THE GROUPS ARE APPARENTLY OPERATING ON FOOT, PILING UP AT CROSSWALKS AND CLOGGING THE SIDEWALKS! HOW CAN OUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET WHEN THESE…PEOPLE…ARE ON BOTH SIDES? WORSE, I’M HEARING REPORTS THAT THE MOBS ARE PISSING AND SHITTING THEMSELVES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! VIEWERS AT HOME, THIS IS THE APOCALYPSE. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS IT WHEN THESE…PEOPLE…CAN’T JUST USE THE BATHROOM? IS THE NEW WOKE THING TO SOIL YOURSELF IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?…OH GOD, FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST TUNING IN, WE’RE GETTING WORD THAT THEY’RE APPROACHING INNOCENT CITIZENS AND ASKING FOR THEIR BRAINS?—What’s that? They’re asking people to ‘please change their minds?’ Minds, brains, same thing. Don’t get in the way of a story.—FOLKS, WE ARE AT THE POINT WHERE THE LUNATIC LEFT IS ADVOCATING FOR ROVING PACKS OF SHIT-STAINED ZOMBIES! PARENTS, CLUTCH YOUR KIDS A LITTLE TIGHTER TONIGHT—AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T LET THEM VISIT THE PUBLIC LIBRARY. THAT CONCLUDES THE EVENING REPORT, LIVE FROM KS-FL-TN-TX! STICK AROUND FOR TRANNY TRAFFIC-BATHROOM BOUNTY HUNTING AT 7, WHERE FOX NEWS FOLLOWS EVERYDAY CITIZENS AS THEY TRY TO WIN $1000 IN THE STALLS OR AT RED LIGHTS EACH TIME THEY CATCH A PREDATOR. CALL IN IF YOU SEE TALL WOMEN OR MEN SKIPPING THE URINAL AND YOU COULD BE OUR NEXT WINNER! BUT FIRST, OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS DEBATES: ARE SOMALIAN ILLEGAL ALIENS USING EBT TO FUND TRANSGENDER SURGERIES FOR MINORS? THE ANSWER MAY SHOCK YOU. GOOD EVENING, GOD BLESS YOU, AND REMEMBER: IF YOU CONDEMN HAMAS, IT’S NEVER YOUR FAULT.” 

*News segment outro reel, transition music*